Death to the Sue
by The Milkman
Summary: Yes, well, I decided to get revenge on all the Mary Sues by personally 'taking care of them' if you know what I mean. Do not bother reading if you are a fan of Sues! Please R+R!
1. Daughter of the Grey Pilgrim

The Milkman: Hullo friends! This is a piece of trash. I know it. You know it. But it's all in good fun, ne? So sit back, relax, grab a Dr. Pepper, and get ready for death, blood, gore, swords, and more death.  
  
Warning: If you are a fan of Mary Sues, I suggest you hit the back button and find a different story. Also, this story is not for those who do not like violence, seeing as how that's what this story is about. Kapeesh?  
  
*  
  
The night air was soundless unless you counted the howls of the Nazgul, shrieking and crying for the One. The foliage around the ring of stone Trolls rustled as four shapes emerged. One was considerably taller than the other three and seemed to clutch something over his shoulder with one hand while the other held a bright torch. One of the slower, shorter figures led a small, brown pony into the clearing while the tall one set the thing on his shoulder to the earth. The two other figures knelt by it.  
  
"Sam, do you know the athelas plant?" the tall figure asked.  
  
Before the one called Sam could respond, a bright beam of clear cerulean light enshrouded the area, causing all to step back and struggle to shield their eyes. A large wind picked up as the light faded away and a stunning woman stood next to one of the stone trolls. Her hair was black as the night around her and her sea-green eyes shone with an aberrant luminosity. She was clothed in a ruby cloak that let sight of her untainted white robes escape. A mithril tiara she wore on her head, one pale sapphire hanging from it. She held a straight, wooden staff in her hand that gave colorless light to the ring. The tall man stepped forward, drawing his sword.  
  
"Who are you?" he inquired gruffly. The woman was silent. "If you will not give me your name and your business here, I shall not show mercy!"  
  
The female sauntered forward, throwing back her cloak.  
  
"My name is Lorenia Greyhame, my lord, and I have been summoned here by my father, Gandalf the Grey to aid you in bringing the Ringbearer to the Last Homely House," she explained herself.  
  
The tall man did not move, keeping his sword aimed at the woman. All was silent.  
  
"You need not fear, my lord Aragorn, for I know of you greatly. My father has told me much and I have seen many things through my clairvoyance. My mother is the Lady of the Golden Wood and I inherited much from her. I come to you now, to aid you and -"  
  
She was caught short by a silver dagger caught in her throat. She gasped and fell to her knees. Her hand went up to the weapon and tried let it rest upon the handle. She stared up at the tall, dark figure, wheezing. With a long, heavy sigh, the woman fell face forward into the mud and did not move. The man sheathed his sword and began to kneel next to the woman.  
  
"Ack! No!" yelled someone from on top of the troll statues.  
  
A teenage girl leapt down grabbed the dagger from the woman's throat.  
  
"Just ignore that. Sauron's doings." the girl informed all five dumbfounded figures while wiping the blade on the grass.  
  
She pulled back her dark brown cloak and slid the dagger back into its scabbard before looking back up at the tall man. Her hair was dark but short and her round face was hardly visible.  
  
"Toodles," the girl said quickly before placing a hand upon her chest and motioning it forward to show respect.  
  
Without another word the girl drew her hood up revealing a quiver of arrows and a bow. Silently, she retreated into the woods.  
  
Everyone stood still before a gasp escaped the one on the ground.  
  
"We shall worry on it naught," the tall man stated, "Sam, do you know the athelas plant?"  
  
*  
  
The Milkman: Well, children, what did you think? Visit Charles the Review Button. He has no friends.  
  
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise, you have been misinformed. 


	2. An Array of Baffled Elves

To the Reviewers:  
  
Eclipse: I wouldn't call myself a genius. I was just personally fed up with Mary Sues. No, Lorenia was mine because ff.net would probably delete me if I used someone else's character in my story and bashed them. Believe me; I'm not proud of owning her.  
  
Oinge: Excuse me, what was that website again. I tried going there but my computer couldn't find the page. Could you perhaps post the address again and then I could retry it.  
  
Bonnie: Glad you enjoyed it. No worries, I definitely will not have myself fall in love with ANY of the characters. No love relationships!  
  
Shadow Tears: Well, well, well, isn't someone a little on the touchy side. I told you in a nice review that I was sorry if my first review made you feel bad. My gosh, you really must have some issues to have my comments offend you so much. Actually, I do wish they had a category called 'stupid dumb useless crap.' That would then occupy most of my time.  
  
The Milkman: Thanks to all the NICE reviewers and maybe I'll get more. Hint hint nudge nudge. Oh by the way. I do burst into fits of random Elvish so the whole talking in Elvish during the last chapter makes perfect sense.  
  
*  
  
Sunshine flooded the small clearing just outside Mirkwood. A small girl was lying in a heap in a patch of dry wild flowers. Her blonde hair reflected the glow of the warm sun. She was dressed in a strange array of clothing, with dark navy leggings and a tight tunic of a bright pink color.Her eyes were closed and she was unmoving except for the steady rise and fall of her chest. The girl was, overall, extremely beautiful.  
  
Moments later, four white horses sped through the thickets of the forest. Atop one of them was the noble prince of Mirkwood, his eyes bright. He had of course seen the mysterious lump and ordered his entourage to halt. Gracefully, he leapt from his steed and approached the girl. Her eyes fluttered open at once, revealing them to be a pure violet color. She was startled but was quickly relieved for reasons unbeknownst to the young prince.  
  
"Hello," she said coolly. Her voice was dripping with honey and sugar so sweet it would make a rock cringe.  
  
Legolas stopped in his tracks and stared down at the girl. Something was wrong about her.  
  
"What's your name?" the girl asked, trying to sound innocent and lost, "I'm Mary and I'm lost."  
  
Legolas remained silent and unmoving. Who was this 'Mary'? What was her motive? The girl stared up at Legolas, dumbly waiting for an answer.  
  
"My lord, I fear we should not attempt to communicate with . . . her . . ." stated one in Legolas's party.  
  
The prince turned back around.  
  
"You are correct, dear friend. I had not the intentions of doing so," he responded, quite a bit relieved.  
  
Suddenly, approaching footsteps made all four Elves turn and ready their bows. Tall weeds trembled as if someone were trying to break through them. Finally, something did. It was another girl, yet she was much unlike the one on the ground. Her messy brown hair was littered with an assortment of twigs, leaves, and mud while grime covered her face, hands, and clothing. Her adornment consisted of a dark cloak with a black tunic and brown leggings with heavy boots. A belt was strapped across her waist; a sword latched to one side and a throwing knife on the other.  
  
The girl panted for a moment before spying the other young woman on the ground, at which her eyes went wide. Her hand went to her belt and took out the throwing knife. The four Elves did nothing and only watched in utmost confusion whilst the girl launched the knife at the young woman on the ground that shrieked and ducked to the side. With a cry of anguish, the girl grabbed her sword and ran at the other in an attempt to run it through her. The young woman got to her feet and evaded the attack being much more animated, having not been running for five days straight. She dodged the assaults easily until the girl sheathed her sword and drew a bow and arrow from her back. The young woman halted and froze in terror as the girl released the dart into the young woman's stomach. The young woman gripped at the arrow and keeled over.  
  
With a sigh of relief, the girl placed the bow on her back and stooped over to pick up her dagger from the ground. Turning back to the party of confused Elves, she placed a hand on her chest and then ran back through the weeds from whence she had come.  
  
Legolas backed up slowly and saddled himself onto his horse.  
  
"I know not what has just taken place before us, yet I know that it has been the work of an evil force stronger than us. We ride to Imladris with more haste than we set out with. The threat of the enemy grows stronger as we speak," he announced before raising a hand to signal direction. His men followed their prince dutifully but with much perplexity.  
  
*  
  
Charles the Review Button: Hello. My name is Charles. I like surfing, drinking, and re-painting wood furniture. I might be the one for you! Drop me a line with the button below!  
  
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise, you have been misinformed. 


	3. A Breeding Ground for Sues

To the Reviewers:  
  
Kazaera: Yay. Love that site. Also love OFUM. Greatest, I tell ya'. Greatest. Well thanks. I believe the answer is yes. A large portion of ff.net authors are not enthralled by the wonders of Sue.  
  
The Milkman: Hm? Only one? Hmmm . . . That doesn't seem quite right. Well, whatever.  
  
*  
  
Something tumbled through a thicket of overgrown grass and rolled into a tree trunk with a sickening 'thwack'. The thing was almost unrecognizable to most but under all the dirt, weeds, and grime there seemed to be a girl or something along those lines. Her eyelids drooped low and two large bags made the mud around her eyes only seem darker. With a distinguished cry of "Ow . . ." the girl sank back against the tree and pulled a leather flask from her belt. She took a quick drink and toppled over. 'Oh well,' she thought tiredly, 'A small nap won't hurt . . .' and with that the girl fell asleep instantly.  
  
Around a day and a half later the girl opened her eyes slowly, blinking out the sun and remaining sleep. 'Something's not right . . .' then it dawned on her, the Council of Elrond. The girl leapt to her feet and took off running, stumbling quite a bit. The Council of Elrond was a breeding ground for Sues.  
  
She arrived at Rivendell late in the night. 'Crap,' she thought bitterly. The council was long over with. There was a strange taste in the air.  
  
Suddenly, someone from inside the Last Homely House shrieked, "Like, oh my totally, like, gosh! That's, like, just, like, so cool!" The voice was definitely female and definitely ditzy.  
  
The Sues had already wormed their way into the plot. The girl began running again, this time to the sound of the voice. Of course, there had to be a small step up and another 'thwack' echoed through the night sky.  
  
"Ow . . ." the girl stated weakly before getting to her feet and running again.  
  
Marble is not something you would like impact with after running all day. The girl sprinted through the corridors to where she thought the voice came from. Of course, she was wrong and ran into two rather peeved looking, dark- haired Elves. The grabbed her under the arms and hauled her back the way they had come. The girl dared not struggle. She was in enough trouble already for entering Imladris void of permission.  
  
The Elves brought her to a small chamber in which there sat one chair and a painting of a forest scene. Rudely, they dropped her to the ground and stripped her weapons away. So there she sat, no questions asked, no words spoken. One of the Elves left while the other stood guard. The girl fiddled with the small pendant around her neck and waited. Oh yeah, she was in big trouble.  
  
Ages seemed to have passed before the Lord of Imladris entered, flanked by five females dressed in beautiful Elven gowns. 'Oh joy . . .' the girl thought bitterly, 'Now there are five . . .'  
  
"You will stand in the presence of an Elven Lord," the guard stated from the arched doorway.  
  
The girl quickly got to her feet and stood erect. Now she was really going to get it.  
  
"Like, yeah. Like, even I, like, knew that," stated a Sue, twirling a strand of her long blonde hair.  
  
The girl scowled at the Sue and resisted the urge to stick out her tongue.  
  
"What is the name of the intruder?" Elrond asked solemnly, looming four feet from the girl.  
  
She did not answer.  
  
"Speak!"  
  
The girl bit her tongue and answered, "Calley, my Lord."  
  
"Like, your name is like, Calley Mylord? Like, weird," said a different Sue with short red hair.  
  
Calley bit her lip and struggled to keep from kicking the Sue.  
  
Lord Elrond broke the uncomfortable silence, "I fear not, Lady Kimberly. She was merely addressing me. Now, what is your business here, and may your tale be plausible?"  
  
Calley gulped. 'Oh great,' she thought, 'what the crap am I gonna do now?'  
  
Finally it struck her and she answered quickly, "I should feel more comfortable speaking with one of your . . . one of them. . . alone . . ."  
  
Calley motioned towards the women who were gloating over whose nails were longer. Elrond gave her a hard, cold stare.  
  
"I do not believe that is fit for a trespasser," he said icily.  
  
Calley cringed. 'Oh great. Now what?'  
  
"Like, I don't mind, Rondie!" one of the Sues piped up.  
  
Calley grimaced. How awful can nicknames get? A smile crept over the Elf Lord's face. 'Oh no . . .' He had succumbed to the Sues influence.  
  
"If it is what you wish, Lady Ariel. Would any others desire to stay with her?" he asked the other Mary Sues.  
  
"Like, that's alright, Elrond. I, like, have to go meet Aragon!" announced one Sue.  
  
This time, Calley winced for two reasons: 1. The improper name of the ranger and 2. The Sue had stolen Estel from Arwen.  
  
"I, like, have a date with Leggy!" shouted another.  
  
Another cringe. How Calley detested that nickname for the Prince of Mirkwood.  
  
"Boromir's, like, taking me, like, horse riding!"  
  
"I, like, told Frodo I'd, like, help polish, like, the Ring!" the Kimberly Sue said  
  
Calley's eyes bulged. 'Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!'  
  
"That is all well, my Ladies. I shall retire to my bedchambers for the evening," Lord Elrond stated, giving a wry smile to the Ariel Sue.  
  
Calley could have barfed right there. This was getting to be too much. The Sues all left except for the Ariel Sue. Elrond remained for a moment before winking to the Sue and exiting.  
  
"Wait!" Calley cried.  
  
One more thing and it would all be perfect. Lord Elrond stepped back in, raising an eyebrow,  
  
"Um, do we really need the guard? I mean, uh, Lady Ariel here can handle me on her own seeing as how she's so . . . talented!" ushered Calley quickly.  
  
The tension rose higher. 'I'm not going to make it out of here alive!' Calley thought in desperation. 'No! Don't think like that. Don't think like that.'  
  
"It's, like, fine, Rondie! You, like, kept saying I was, like, good with a, like, sword!" agreed the Sue.  
  
Elrond nodded, "Very well," and he motioned for the guard to follow him out. Thankfully, they left Calley's weapons.  
  
When they had left, Ariel Sue spoke up, "So like, you're not, like, one of us. Like, are you?"  
  
Calley thought up quickly, "Um, why do you say that?"  
  
"Because, like, there's no one left, like, to take!"  
  
"Oh, um, that's right huh? Well, uh . . ." Calley racked her brain for a something to say. There was only one thing she could think to do and it was going to be drastic. "Oh my, like, gosh, Girlfriend! That's, like, such a gorgeous, like, necklace!" she announced, though the thought of what she had just done made her gag.  
  
Ariel Sue smiled broadly and touched the sparkling crystal and silver pendant; a cheap rip off of the Evenstar Pendant. She was obviously buying it.  
  
"Like, thanks! Rondie, like, gave it to me!"  
  
Calley forced a fake smile and stepped around Ariel.  
  
"Do you, like, mind if I see, the, like, um . . . clasp?" she suggested.  
  
Ariel shook her head vigorously and pulled her long, dark brown hair to one shoulder, giving Calley a clear look. Calley grinned mischievously and moved her hands up to the Sues neck.  
  
"This is just wonderful," she said slyly, coiling her hands around Ariel Sue's throat.  
  
Ariel Sue gasped for air and kicked her opponent in the shin. Calley stumbled back but kept a firm hold on the Sue. Finally, after much struggling, the Sue fell limp on the cold marble floor. Calley smirked and ran to pick up her weapons in the hall before heading to possible places Frodo and Kimberly Sue might be.  
  
One down, four to go.  
  
*  
  
Charles the Review Button: I promise I won't bite!  
  
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise you have been misinformed. 


	4. Mardantalithianaweniel Morningstar

To the Reviewers:  
  
nienna: Glad you liked it, but must you use tripleness*?  
  
Smushed Pea: I think your fic is better than mine, really. Thanks. I like your bio too.  
  
*  
  
Calley ran down one of the halls of the Last Homely House. It would really help if she knew where she was going, but since she didn't, the only thing one could do was to listen for the high pitched giggles and 21st century prep slang of the Sues. Rivendell was actually quite a lovely place if you could sit down on a bench and marvel up at the beautiful but to Calley it seemed like a rather large blur. Suddenly, the girl ran into something . . . or someone if you want to be correct. The trouble is that that someone was none other than Lord Elrond himself. Calley went crashing onto the ground.  
  
"You? Where is the Lady Ariel?" he questioned aggressively.  
  
Calley stared up into the Elflord's irate eyes. Only two words came to her mind at that time, 'Oh crap . . .'  
  
"Uh, I talked with her . . . and, um, she told me what I did was wrong . . ." Calley suggested, it was more of a question really. Elrond didn't say anything so perhaps he was buying it. "Then . . . um, she cured me of my evil ways . . ."  
  
Elrond nodded his head slowly as if a bit reluctant to believe the girl. Calley got to her feet slowly. She wasn't sure what would happen if Elrond found out the Sue was dead after being under its influence so long.  
  
"Very well," he said after a short silence, "but you are to leave Imladris at the soonest possible time."  
  
Calley nodded her head and Elrond stalked away with one, last, hard glare. Calley breathed in slowly and took off running again. Finally, after a few minutes a Sue's laughter echoed throughout the halls and the girl pivoted and darted towards its source. A garden came into view. On a stone bench sat the Prince of Mirkwood and a Sue that seemed to glow in the dark. The Sue had shiny red hair down to her waist and was clothed in a beautiful, turquoise, Elven gown. The Sue laughed out loud again and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. Wait, was that a . . .? 'Oh crap.' The Sue had become an Elf.  
  
"You are the most beautiful woman to walk the earth Mardantalithianaweniel!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
'What kind of a name is that?" thought Calley while crouching down behind a nearby shrub. The Sue laughed again. 'Will she never stop giggling?'  
  
"After the Ring is destroyed, we shall be wed and Mirkwood and Rivendell will be united," the Prince said joyously. He was definitely under the influence of the Sue but what was this about Mirkwood and Rivendell?  
  
Calley drew out her dagger and waited for the right moment.  
  
"I love you Mardantalithianaweniel Morningstar, princess of Rivendell."  
  
'Looks like the Last Homely House just gained a new bit of royalty. Except Rivendell doesn't really have royalty . . . does it? Elrond's not a king. Oh well. She's dead anyway.' Calley stood up quickly and launched the knife at the Sue. It struck the estranged princess in the back and she fell on her side. Legolas drew his bow and aimed it at Calley. 'Maybe it was a bad idea to stand up,' Calley said to herself while standing stock still. Just when the girl thought it was the end of the line, something happened to the prince. His face went pale and his eyes grew wide. Legolas forced himself back down on the bench, clasping a hand to his forehead.  
  
"What has become of me?" he said softly.  
  
Slowly, he removed his hand and looked over at Calley.  
  
"You again? Tell me, what is this witchcraft that has taken me," stated Legolas rather weakly.  
  
Calley stepped forward and removed the dagger from the Sue's back.  
  
"You really don't want to know," was all she said before running off again, leaving a rather confused prince.  
  
*  
  
* Tripleness (n): the use of a word or phrase or sentence three times. Ex: Hihihi! Or Nonono!  
  
The Milkman: I made it up myself, you know. Please review.  
  
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise, you have been misinformed. 


	5. An Almighty Sue

To the Reviewers:  
  
PrincessEilonwy: Hm, really . . . Interesting, very interesting . . . I'd be happy to 'take care' of you if there happens to be any Sue-ishness in there . . . Just give me a call, er, review . . . Yeah . . . Take no offense. Just doing my insane interpretation of a job.  
  
Tallulah: Thanks. I'm trying to cover all species of Sue. Hopefully, I'll get them all before I go insane in the bad way.  
  
*  
  
An extremely tired and aggravated Calley stormed through the halls of Imladris, straining her ears for any sound of Sue activity. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything. This was definitely a bad sign. Calley leaned against a wall to catch her breath, but was soon interrupted by a high pitched giggle. Calley groaned and began to run again, this time finding herself at an outdoor walkway.  
  
Two figures sat on a stone bench, swinging their legs back and forth. Curiously enough, one of them resembled the Ringbearer and could have passed for him as well had he not been almost five and a half feet tall. The other person was undoubtedly a Sue with her short red hair, sparkly white Elven gown, large Hobbit feet (free from hair, no doubt), and abnormal glowing eyes. Hang on, were they? Yep, they were sure as heck an uncanny shade of violet. It was the Kimberly Sue.  
  
Calley slowed her breathing and approached them cautiously. As she drew nearer, it seemed like the Ringbearer look-alike was polishing the Ring, and in front of a Sue no less. Calley gulped and took a step forward, ill- fatedly stepping on a pile of leaves. "Shnikees," muttered the dirt covered girl before looking back upwards. 'Oh crap . . .' She had been spotted by the Sue and Frodo-wannabe.  
  
"Who, like, are you?" asked the Sue, staring straight at Calley who was reaching for her trusty knife. "I said, like, who are you?" By this time Calley had the knife out of its sheath and the Ringbearer was now curled up on the ground in a fetal position. Calley cursed the movie-characterization of the hero before launching her knife. It would have been a good throw too had it not landed in the Sue's thigh. Crimson blood leaked from the wound and the Sue shuddered. Obviously, she didn't like the sight of blood. Calley took notice of this opportunity and drew her sword while running toward the Sue. The Sue looked up at Calley with pleading eyes. Just when Calley thought it would start getting easier, she found it harder and harder to lift her weapon. There was something in the Sue's eyes that prevented the muck covered girl from actually slaying the Sue. 'It's not really their fault they're so evil, is it?' she asked herself.  
  
Suddenly, a sharp pain in Calley's upper arm suspended her thoughts. Calley looked over at her shoulder to see her own dagger lodged in her limb. Hatred replaced regret as Calley lifted the sword. She let out a cry as she began to pull it down on the Sue . . . but it wouldn't budge. The blade was suspended in thin air. "Shnikees . . . She's got mind powers.' "You wench . . ." Calley stated to the Sue who was grinning oddly.  
  
"Don't mess with me," warned Kimberly Sue. What surprised Calley the most was the lack of slang or the word 'like'.  
  
"What the . . .? What in the name of Eru are you?" asked the girl, who was starting to get scared.  
  
"Did you honestly think I was like them?" said the Sue, "I knew you were one of those Sue hunters from the moment I laid eyes on you. I had to blend in with the average Marys in order to fool you. You ought to know better . . . Calley." The Kimberly Sue's eyes burned with flame and a searing pain surged throughout Calley's side and she abandoned trying to pry her weapon out of the Sue's telekinesis. The Sue chuckled and snapped her fingers. Her entire appearance changed. The Sue was dressed in a ruby cloak with the same white gown. Her Hobbit feet were gone. Her hair had grown at least two feet and become a nice shade of raven while her eyes became sea green. She looked the same as Lorenia Greyhame, the Sue from Trollshaw. "Look familiar?" Calley tried to step back but her feet wouldn't budge. "You can never really kill me. I'm an Almighty Sue."  
  
She snapped her fingers and became another form, this time shorter with many honey colored braids and humongous brown eyes. Again she snapped and became several inches taller than Calley with a black pixie cut and jade eyes, all this time keeping an eerie smile on her rose colored lips. The Almighty Sue's eyes light up and two more of herself stepped forward to her side. "Do you think you can beat me now?" taunted the Almighty Sue.  
  
Suddenly something sliced through all three heads. The bodies fell forward to reveal Frodo, standing on top of the stone bench in all his short Hobbit glory. Calley's sword clattered to the ground she stared up at the Hobbit in amazement. "How the freak did you do that?" she asked.  
  
"Freak? I do not know the meaning of this word, but to answer your question, I think she forgot about me and I-I was myself again," he explained.  
  
"Oh," stated Calley before picking her sword up from the ground, finding that her left arm was covered in blood, the dagger still stuck inside. "Oh yeah, this is gonna hurt." With that said Calley tore a piece of cloth from the bottom of her long shirt and wrapped her arm just below where the knife jutted out. "1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . ." and Calley ripped the blade from her limb with an echoing screech.  
  
"I'll fetch Lord Elrond. He'll stop the bleeding," Frodo stated.  
  
"No! You don't have to do that," stopped Calley forcing a fake smile, "I'm fine, really. Just, uh . . . get back to your room. You, uh, look tired and need to sleep and stuff . . . yeah . . ." Frodo looked completely and utterly confused.  
  
"As you wish, but could you tell me what that thing was. It certainly wasn't a maiden by all accounts."  
  
"Just think of it as influence of the Dark Lord." And Calley staggered off, still in search of Sues.  
  
*  
  
The Milkman: Well, what did you guys think of Almighty Sue. I'll bet there's going to be more of her. Drop me a review! Don't actually drop a review on me. You don't know how much those things weigh. Just click on Charles the Review Button and let me know what you think!  
  
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise, you have been misinformed. 


	6. A Crooked Deal

To the Reviewers:  
  
Skelington: Thanks. I really appreciate it, but I think it is kind of hard to capture the Sues' mentality seeing as how there's not much up there. ;)  
  
Bookworm 2000: Yeah, I think I even scared myself with that last one. I have no idea where it came from, but, if it works, it works. Gary Stu's, eh? I think I could insert a couple of those after I'm finished with these next two.  
  
Me: I know about the whole Grey Company Elvish thing and I'm currently in the process with fixing it, but it may take a while, so hang in there.  
  
Punky Pig: Hahaha . . . Die die die . . . Kill them all . . .  
  
Firsarnien: I'm glad you liked it but the Elvish is wrong. It will take a while to fix, but I have every intention of doing so.  
  
Celtic Dawn Star: Dun dun dun DUN! Here I come to save the day! . . . Not very original is it? Eh, oh well . . . About the whole long name thingamabobber, I have no idea. I kind of just pressed letters and then copied and pasted it everywhere it was needed so . . . yeah . . .  
  
Princess Eilonwy: How *do* you kill something that won't die? Hm . . . Meditate on this I will. Aw . . . *sadly puts away knife* You suck the fun out of everything . . . JK.  
  
Megan Sleevewillow: *high and mighty look* Hahaha . . . My friend owes me a quarter now. You just bowed to me . . . Hahaha . . .  
  
Ka-Dalun: Aw . . . I feel so loved . . . *sniff* You said I use my brain . . . Now I feel all warm and tingly inside.  
  
The Milkman: Aha! Here it is! I finally updated. Sorry for the slow update but I was busy and had killer writer's block, but now I've used my Idea Saw of Death and am ready with the next chapter. Go me.  
  
*  
  
A creature stumbled through a small garden. What exactly is this creature, you ask? Well, if you look hard enough, I bet you'd be able to find a girl in there somewhere, but it could be difficult to find. The 'girl's left arm hung limply at her side, a large scrap of cloth tied shabbily to it. "Stupid Sue . . ." the girl grumbled to herself before slumping down into a nearby bush. 'I'm starting to think this was a bad idea.'  
  
Suddenly a voice echoed through the garden, a female voice, "Who's there?" The girl clapped a hand to her mouth and held perfectly still. This was not a good time. A small chuckle came from just behind the bush made the girl, oftentimes known as Calley, shudder. "Argy, dear, would you hang on for just a sec. I'll be with you in a moment. This shouldn't take long," said the voice. Calley's hair stood on end. She knew that voice, and it was not one she wanted to know. A slender hand parted the shrub and grabbed Calley by the greasy, brown hair. "You again? I thought you'd learned your lesson," said a woman with long black hair done into a braid near the top of her head. Her eyes were an icy blue color and she was clothed in a pale green colored gown. A silver belt was strapped to her waist and a gleaming sword was strapped to it.  
  
"Oh, really? I thought you would have learned yours instead," was all Calley managed to say while ducking to pull her hair from the Sue's grip. "Gaul, I hate you. What the freak is wrong with you? How'd you get back so fast? How'd you hear me any-" Calley's mouth zipped shut and try as she might, she couldn't get it open.  
  
"How did I hear you?" the Sue mocked, "Elf ears, darling," she pointed to one ear with a long thin finger, "Great for listening to annoying little hunters from long distances, and they look great too. Maybe you should invest in a pair, but then again, you won't be around long enough to, anyway. It's too bad really."  
  
Calley, her mouth finally being able to open, said, "Is it just me, or was there a complete Spirited Away copy just now?" The Sue looked stunned.  
  
"Spirited Away?"  
  
"Yeah. Great Japanese animation movie. 'Bout a girl who goes to a bathhouse for spirits and has to save her par-" Calley, once again, found her mouth unable to open.  
  
"Do you ever shut up?" the Sue asked irritably. Calley shook her head vigorously in reply. "Alright then, I bet I can fix that." The Almighty drew her sword the reveal it was made completely out of mithril and was dotted with little diamonds and pearls. "It's too bad, really. It's such a pretty sword. It's just awful it has to be stained with the blood of a brat." Calley's eyes lit up and she pointed to her mouth and leaned forward, hoping for a response. "What? You want me to open your mouth?"  
  
"Hm. Hm hm hm hm hm hm hm hm hm hm hmhm hm hmhm hm hm hmhm," Calley responded with a sarcastic look in her eye.  
  
"Fine," breathed the Sue, "but make it quick. I'm getting bored of this."  
  
"First of all: Only boring people get bored. Second: I'll make you deal. Since you're tired of me and I'm tired of you let's just make it as quick as we can. If I win, you leave Middle-Earth forever and don't come back. If you lose, I won't ever bother you again. Is it a deal?" Calley explained, holding out a hand to shake. The Almighty seemed to ponder this for a second, before putting out her own hand. At the last second, Calley pulled it away and held up her pointer finger. "And no mind powers."  
  
"Fine, no mind powers."  
  
"And crossies don't count."  
  
"And crossies don't count." The two gripped hands.  
  
"Now swear it."  
  
"Fine, if Calley wins, I leave Middle-Earth and never come back. If I lose, Calley won't bother me ever again. No mind powers and crossies don't count," the Sue said in monotone. The two shook once. "No worries I can beat you anyway," said the Sue with a sly grin.  
  
"M-hm. Yeah, whatever you say, moron."  
  
*  
  
The Milkman: Alrighty, the whole fight thing will be next chapter, I promise, but it takes a lot of thought for a big one like this. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up by the end of the week. Toodles.  
  
Charles the Review Button: *sob* No one loves me! I'm all alone!  
  
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise you have been misinformed. 


	7. Maybe Not So Crooked and a Showdown

To the Reviewers:  
  
Anthy's Worst Fear: Love? Ack! Where?! Must destroy! Yes, it is fun to kill Sues. Yes, well, you confuse me. Oh well. More fun for me! Yay.  
  
Lily: Perhaps, mate. We'll just found out, savvy?  
  
Sunsong: We'll see.  
  
mIsUnDeRsToOdGnOmE: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha . . . What? Can't I laugh with you?  
  
Suki: Thanks for your opinion. I don't blame you for not liking it. It's a piece of trash and I know it, but I have to vent my anger somehow. ( Thanks for taking the time to review!  
  
Bookworm2000: Well, we're catching on, now aren't we? Read this chapter and you'll know for sure the answer to your question. Are there terms if she won? We'll just find out and see . . . ;) GAH! You scare me. Please don't frighten me anymore . . . I'm scared enough writing this.  
  
I Hate Sore Throat Medicine: Ugh. You're not one of those Tom Felton fangirls, are you? No offense, but I just don't see how he's hot. Seriously. Well, thanks.  
  
Celtic Dawn Star: Thanks.  
  
Megan Sleevewillow: You scare me, darling, but thanks anyways. I guess it's alright if I'm in your parody, but it seems a little stalker-ish if you ask me. Eh, oh well. ;)  
  
The Milkman: Okay, I updated a lot slower than planned. Well, colorful reading to all, and to all a goodnight, or something like that.  
  
*  
  
The two females' hands slid apart and a twisted smile appeared on the Almighty's face, a smile that made a pang of uneasiness materialize in Calley's stomach. "What're you so happy about?" the shorter girl asked, staring up into the Sue's cold eyes.  
  
"Now we're going to discuss what happens if *I* win and *you* lose," Almighty replied. Calley's stomach twisted into a knot. She wasn't supposed to know. "What's the matter, hunter dear? Surprised that I figured out your little plan? It wasn't so hard to figure, seeing as how it's been done loads times before. And I was actually expecting something more. I really am misjudging you lately, now aren't I?"  
  
"Oh, you little-" The Sue put up a hand to stop Calley.  
  
"Now, if I win, well, I'm free to do what I want seeing as how dear hunter will be dead and gone. If you lose, it's basically the same thing. So, are we agreed?" the Sue offered, extending a hand. Calley's own shaking hand went out to meet it. The complete opposites shook hands and it was agreed: it was basically to Calley's death or the Almighty's removal from Middle- Earth.  
  
"Alrighty then. Let's go," stated a very nervous Calley as she pulled the bow and arrows from her back with another distasteful look at the Almighty. "Thanks to you, I can't use these." There was a much more bitter tone to Calley's voice than normal.  
  
"Quit whining and hurry up. I'm getting bored," the Sue stated, throwing herself down on a handy, nearby bench. Calley smirked.  
  
"Didn't we go over this already? Only boring people get bored," replied the hunter in a motherly voice. The Almighty shot her a look that clearly said, 'Do I look like I really care? Now hurry up so I can kill you and hang your head in front of millions off bobble-head dolls.' Okay, maybe not that last part, but I think you get the idea.  
  
Calley tossed the useless weapons to the side rather roughly and undid the string which held her cloak. "Fine, if you insist on taking so long I guess I could mess with my appearance again. Let's see, now . . . What looks fun?" The Almighty thought for a minute before snapping her fingers. Her new looks seemed oddly familiar to Calley, somehow. They'd actually seem familiar to anyone who saw Calley when she was clean. It was a medium height woman with a round face, perfect white teeth, and dyed-blonde hair just below her pierced ears. "Hm . . . Not bad . . . Not extremely beautiful but still rather lovely," the Sue said as she surveyed her new body. "Quite an interesting person, really. Who is it?" Calley stared into the Almighty's, now level, blue eyes.  
  
"You've got to be kidding me," was all the hunter could say before bursting out laughing.  
  
"Really, who is it? If you won't tell me, I'll find out for myself." Unfortunately, Calley was giggling too hard to hear a word the Almighty said. After a few seconds had gone by, the Sue grinned. "Your sister?" Calley wiped a tear from her eye and the laughter quieted down.  
  
"Oh, this is precious," whispered the Sue before sniffing the air delicately. "Ugh, what's that smell? Oh gross, is that you?" she pointedly asked Calley. The hunter didn't answer, she only bit her lip. "Ew, that's disgusting. Here, I'm going to fix this before I throw up." The Almighty snapped her fingers and the smell was gone and Calley was completely transformed. She now wore a regular pair of blue jeans, a red shirt, and plain black shoes, with a belt and a sword around her waist and her brown hair knotted into a high ponytail.  
  
"I'M CLEAN!!!" Calley cried in an extremely jubilant voice before giving herself a hug. Then she noticed the blade. "What is this?" she inquired with an angry glare, pulling the rapier from its sheath. The steel was dotted little gold gems and little tiny flower imprints. "Are you serious? There is no way in Japan I am using this thing!" Calley chucked the weapon onto the ground and pulled the sheath out with it disgustedly to find it covered with little red and pink hearts. "Hearts. Hearts? HEARTS?!" bellowed the extremely agitated hunter before hurling the scabbard onto the ground. Much to Calley's joy, it smashed and broke into three pieces. "You, dear, are getting me a new sword."  
  
"What's wrong with that one? It was perfect! Have you no sense of femininity at all?" the Sue asked in horror. Calley only shook her head and glared at the Sue. "Ugh, fine. Here." Another sword appeared in Calley's belt.  
  
"A k-ka-katana?" the hunter asked in disbelief as she drew the weapon. In fact, it was. The tsukaito was a glossy black colored leather and the kashira was molded into the shape of a tree. "Are you serious?"  
  
"What? Now you don't like something I picked from your own brain? Fine, I'll just try again." But Calley held up her hand stop the Almighty.  
  
"No! I love it! It's my new best friend." Calley then gave the sword a hug before slipping it back into its saya.  
  
"You're weird, hunter."  
  
"I'm proud of it."  
  
"You shouldn't be.  
  
"Well, I am so deal with it," retorted the hunter before sticking her tongue out at her opponent. "Right-e-o. Are you ready?"  
  
"Ah, I believe the question is, are *you* ready, dear hunter?" stated the Sue with a mischievous glint in her eyes.  
  
"Well, I would be, if you changed your appearance. It's really hard to concentrate when you're staring right at your own sister who'd rather ram a knife in her gut than be here." The Almighty rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers, changing into a tall woman with brown hair down her back and mud colored eyes.  
  
"Are you happy now?"  
  
"Very. Now, let's go."  
  
Both females drew their blades and prepared to fight. Calley struck first by launching herself high into the air, with the help of the bench the Almighty had sat on minutes ago and a nearby tree, and bringing her katana down on top of the Sue while shouting, "Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu Tsui Sen!" With the Sue bending her knee, the blow struck her thigh.  
  
The Sue then took this opportunity to ignore the pain and leap towards Calley while spinning, giving the hunter just enough time to crouch and thrust her foot up into the air, hitting the Sue in the stomach, but still receiving a scratch on the left side of her forehead. The Almighty was forced backwards, landing on her back.  
  
The Sue jumped to her feet. "Very good, hunter. You're much better than I expected," said the Almighty coolly, throwing back her long locks.  
  
"I'm much better than I expected too," said Calley with a smirk.  
  
"Shall we proceed?" The Almighty gave a toothy grin and held her sword out, ready to attack. This time, Calley let her make the first move. The Sue ran forward and swung. Calley prepared to block it, but steel never clashed. Instead a booted foot found its way into Calley's stomach. The hunter fell to her knees and coughed up blood, trying to regain breath. "I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve, though. This should be short and sweet, and as painful as I want it to be." Calley glared up at her opponent weakly. It was not a pleasant feeling to have one's own blood worm its way up one's throat.  
  
"You'll never know how much I hate you," was all Calley managed to say before receiving a kick in the chest. A cracking sound verified that at least one or two of the hunter's ribs had been broken. The Almighty reached out a hand and grabbed Calley by the back of her shirt and lifted her into the air.  
  
"Oh, but I do think I *already* know how much, dear hunter." Calley glanced behind her foe for just a brief second to see the future king of Gondor standing twenty feet away, dumbly staring past the two at a tree.  
  
"Oh, hi, Aragorn. 'Didn't notice you there," the hunter croaked before feeling her back smack the marble floor. She got up and regained her composure quickly.  
  
"Had enough?" taunted the Sue. Calley shook her head in response before dashing out to give the Sue a nasty cut on her right forearm.  
  
"We're only just beginning." The hunter swung again to meet the Sue's blade before reaching her right leg around the Sue's left, bending her knee, and pulling it back in. The Almighty collapsed and Calley pressed the tip of her blade to the Sue's throat.  
  
"Give up? If you move at all, it's 'Bye-bye vocal chords, hello bleeding to somewhat of a death.' What do you say? I could open the portal for you right now and it could all be over," offered the hunter. "But before you make your decision, let me tell you what I think of you as. You are a twelve year old Mary Sue writer who spends all her time fantasizing about canon characters and writing romance fan-fics about an OC and them. Am I right?" The Sue let out a low guttural sound that erupted into an ear- piercing shriek. The hunter seemed unaffected. That's when the Almighty's leg shot up giving Calley another blow to the stomach. The hunter backed up. "I'll take that as a 'Heck no, and a yes.'"  
  
"I'll kill you."  
  
"Freak."  
  
"I'll kill you."  
  
"Just keep tellin' yourself that."  
  
"I'll kill you!"  
  
"So I hear. Can we get on with it please?" With that, Calley swung her blade one last time, getting the Sue across the throat. "Bye-bye, *princess*," the hunter said mockingly as the body disappeared and reappeared standing up.  
  
"Fine, you won. Are you happy now?" the Sue asked icily. There was such a degree of coldness in her tone that one might want a sweater and a pair of earmuffs to keep warm.  
  
"Extremely." The hunter then turned around and slashed the air in an 'X' shape, making the atmosphere rip. She pulled to four pieces back to reveal a sky of blood red and pink clouds. "Toodles, darling." Calley grabbed the Sue and pulled her forward. Reluctantly, the Sue obliged and let herself be pulled forward and pushed through the portal.  
  
"I'll never forget you for this!" were the Sue's last words before Calley sealed the portal by pulling all of the pieces back together again.  
  
"Well, that was certainly interesting. 'Think I can let the last one go 'till tomorrow." With that said," Calley sheathed her new blade and trumped off to find somewhere to sleep. Well outside Rivendell's borders, leaving the Heir of Isildur rubbing his temple and greeting the dawn, quite confusedly.  
  
*  
  
The Milkman: For all you who didn't know, a katana is a Japanese sword, a tsukaito is the wrappings around the hilt, and the kashira is the butt of the sword that is often decorated and molded into pretty shapes. And the saya is the scabbard, easily enough. Oh, and the whole 'Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu Tsui Sen' is actually off of Rurouni Kenshin. It's a sword move where the person using it leaps high into the air, right above the opponent, and then strikes down directly on the opponent before they can do anything. Please review! Charles is an attention hog.  
  
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise you have been misinformed. 


	8. A Hill, Roots, and Rock Walls

To the Reviewers:  
  
PrincessEilonwy - Yes. It ends here. That's it. *shifty eyes* Okay, so I'm a really bad liar. As for wanting to know what happens next, I guess you'll just have to read and find out. ;)  
  
Celtic Dawn Star - HA! I've got a sense of humor. A sick, twisted, violent, and gory one. But I've got one nonetheless! Go me!  
  
Lily - Aw, I feel loved! Not really, but okay. Thanks, darling!  
  
Megan Sleevewillow - HA! *taunts* You got arrested! You got arrested! *calms down* Well, that's enough of that. Benji Madden . . . Benji Madden . . . Sounds familiar . . . Isn't he the guy in Good Charlotte? I can't be sure but I think so. Eh, oh well. Stupid poser bands . . . Hehe, I like bobble-head dolls. I got an Aragorn bobble-head doll with my Two Towers DVD. Go me! I like being clean, thank you very much. I feel loved.  
  
Bookworm2000 - I think I'm going to make myself cry while writing this. Even though I forgot how to cry . . . It's true! I did! I can't cry anymore! Hehe, it is quite an interesting picture isn't it?  
  
F - Yes. Yes it does.  
  
I Hate Cough Medicine - *wipes brow* Whew, that was a close one. I already have to fend off all my Tom Felton fangirl friends. Whoa. Say that five time fast. Felton fangirl friends. Felton fangirl friends. Felton fangirl friends. Felton fangirl friends. Felton fangirl friends. Wow. It was even hard to type. Go figure.  
  
mIsUnDeRsToOdGnOmE - Ah! *cowers in corner* I fear the caps. Hehe, I'm imperfect. I feel loved. Not really, but okay.  
  
Pastelmouth - Thanks. I feel loved.  
  
*  
  
Calley trudged along a small forest outside of Rivendell. There was a hill up ahead. If she was lucky, it might be a good spot to watch the Last Homely House from.  
  
After what seemed like hours, Calley finally managed to reach the top of the aforementioned mound. It was grassy and soft, a haven for certain hunters who had just spent their entire night enduring numerous encounters of Mary Sues. Calley slumped down on the ground let herself fall back onto the grass. It was cool and wet and extremely soothing to Calley's aching back. Not long after, the hunter was dead to the world.  
  
*  
  
Calley awoke several hours later to an overly loud growling stomach. "Stupid human needs," mumbled the hunter, slowly sitting up, but finding her body lying back down again. Every muscle and joint in her body squealed in agony. She cursed Mary Sues for several minutes before trying to sit up again. This time, she succeeded in getting as far as standing up. Now all she had to do was look for something to eat without getting herself killed.  
  
About an hour later, Calley returned to her hill with one hand full of berries and the other full of roots from various plants. She felt much better after having relieved herself as well. Quietly, the hunter sat down and began to sort through her newfound meal. "Well, what looks less poisonous?" she asked herself in a whisper.  
  
In a few minutes, all the berries were gone and all that was left were two roots. "So this is what I've settled for. A root." The hunter played with a white root from a purple flower for several moments before popping it into her mouth. She grimaced as she chewed. It was bitter and dry, but what could she expect?  
  
The meal was gone, and now all Calley had to do was stare at the large city and watch for any Sues falling from the sky. She felt her eyes grow heavy and again found herself in the wonderful bliss of unconsciousness that is sleep.  
  
*  
  
"Wakey wakey, darling." Calley slowly opened her eyes to the all too familiar voice.  
  
"Wha?" the hunter mumbled, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. The picture finally came into focus. A tall woman with long pink and blonde hair was standing over her with a sword tip pressed to Calley's throat. Calley screamed.  
  
"Oho! Hunter! It's lovely to see you again too!" said the Almighty with a sneer. She slowly pulled the blade away and re-sheathed it. Calley's mouth dropped open and she stared in wide-eyed horror at the only one who could ever make her blood run cold, her worst nightmare.  
  
"Y-y-you-you're supposed t-to be in regular E-earth! N-not Middle-earth!" stammered the hunter, pushing her body away from the Almighty with her arms. A grin spread across the Sue's face.  
  
"Whoops. I lied." The Sue covered her mouth his one slender hand with long fingers and a French manicure. "Well, darling, I guess we'll just have to get this one over with quickly. I have engagements I must see to." With that said the Almighty drew her sword and smacked the flat edge over Calley's head. A short gasp escaped the hunter before she fell backwards, unconscious.  
  
*  
  
Several hours later, the hunter opened her dull green eyes and saw nothing but dark gray in front of her. Where was she? What happened? She couldn't remember. All she knew was that her head throbbed and wailed in pain. She was sitting on a cold stone floor that was for sure. Where that cold stone floor was, she didn't know.  
  
Calley rubbed her eyes and stood. It took a few moments for her vision to clear, but what she saw didn't surprise her. It was very dark. A brilliant white glow seeped through a rectangular hole in the wall opposite her. The room was fairly small and made entirely of gray stone. The hunter let her hand stroke the wall for a moment. It was rigid, cold, and utterly granular. Calley pulled her hand away and started for the source of light. The box was tiny, a little larger than a mouse, and around it there was thick, freezing metal. Calley slipped her hand through the opening and let it rested it on the ledge for a moment. A quick, sharp punch was delivered right to it from the other side. Calley instantly recoiled and shook her hand rapidly.  
  
"Easy weasel," she said quietly, bringing her hand to her chest. In the dim light, she could see that her knuckles were dripping crimson blood.  
  
"I, in no way, shape, or form, resemble a small rodent," said a voice from the other side. The hunter's snapped back up and she pressed her eye to the hole. She could only see a yellow wall a short distance away but she knew someone was there.  
  
"Who are you?" inquired the hunter.  
  
"That is my business and not any bit of yours." The voice was definitely male.  
  
"Roar. Hiss. Well, I guess you could let me out and I could just be on my way," Calley stated stepping back.  
  
"You are not to be let free unless it is commanded by the Lady Martina," the man snapped, all too quickly.  
  
"Martina, eh? So that's what she's calling herself now . . . Well, darling, I'll be getting out of here soon, you know, so I think I'll just sit back and wait for the time to become right . . ." The hunter backed up against the wall and slid down to the floor against it. She let one let stretch out and the other bend up near her chin. She then twiddled her thumbs and waited.  
  
*  
  
The Milkman: Well, children, here's your chapter. Make sure you walk it everyday, give it lots of attention, and remember to feed it lots of lovely reviews! Sorry for the lack of update-y-ness! School started a couple of weeks ago and in my grueling schedule of being too tired and lazy to write, sleeping, breathing, and blinking I just couldn't find the time.  
  
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise you have been misinformed. 


End file.
